What is love like? Prologue

    Have you ever felt what it's like to be unloved? To be tossed aside, to make room for someone else. To feel worthless and unwanted. Or to be second best at everything, no matter how hard you try. To have never been able to feel what love is like. Or to have never had friends. Well I have, and I'm sick of it! No matter what I do, I'll know that I'll never be the best at anything. Or to even be the best at the slightest at things. I never will be anything, but a waste of space.
A nobody who everyone looks down at, and makes fun of. I'm nothing special, nor will I ever be to both me or anyone else. My own decisions bring me nothing but pain and misery. I cry all the time, and must seem pretty weak and useless.
Wait a minute! I don't seem that way, because I know that I am. A coward who can't even stand on his two own feet with out crashing back down in a sea of pain and longing. I'll never know what joy feels like, or what happiness is like. My heart is nothing but a black hole of darkness, that pushes away everyone who even has the slightest care and respect for me.
But I don't care anyway. They don't care about me, so I won't care about them. I just hope that someday. I don't grow to care for another, and for that person to care for me. I don't want to feel what others do, and it just come crashing down on me. More pain stacked on more pain like bricks. I have already felt to much for my heart to have to deal with anything of the sorts. Thinking about all of this is making me sad. Knowing that I'll never love or be loved by another. To never laugh or to smile a genuine smile that I have kept locked up, all these years.
What is it like to smile. I have always wondered what it is like to smile when you're happy. The only smile I have ever shown was around Feli...But even that was fake...
Feli...He smiles no matter what situation he is in. And he always keeps his head up high. And I just hope, that I will never see that smile of his. Disappear into nothing.
I haven't even told him about my cutting addiction, nor do I plan on doing it anytime soon. If I do, i know that his smile most certainly leave...Cutting...My only answer and escape to anything and everything. I have been doing this for 3 years now. And both him and nonno haven't suspected a thing about it. But why would they. Feli is busy mostly with his friends, and nonno is to busy yelling at me to care about if I cut or not. He hates me too...Just like the rest of them...No love...No respect...No family...No shoulder to cry on...No hope...
All I have, is my dark heart. So cold and bitter, that no one can save it from breaking and shattering. But...What is Love like...?What does it feel like to love...? And to be loved back...?
I sigh. Here I go again with this whole love thing. I mean really it's not like I want to feel something as stupid and pathetic as that...But I still can't help but wonder what it is like...
Will I ever be able to feel that too...? Or live a life of nothing for the rest of my life...