What is love like? Chapter 1

Warning: This first chapter contains attempted suicide and some language.

~~Chapter 1~~


'This is it, no holding back anymore..I will do this'

Standing in the bathroom leaning over the sink, I clutch the sharp knife that I hold my my hand tightly. Slowly shifting my gaze up to the mirror, I take a long look at myself and scowl.

'How could anyone like me deserve to live..? I'm a pathetic piece of shit with nothing to lose. With no hopes or dreams. No love, smarts, or talent. Disgusting!'

I start to think about all the people who have treated me like garbage, who think I'm a disease that needs to disappear, or those who mock me and spread rumors.

The images of today's run-in with the bullies started flashing through my mind.

***********

"Hey loser how's it going!" My eyes widen at the voice, already knowing fully well who it was. Barely having time to back my hand away safely out of my locker, it slams shut letting out a loud yelp in pain. The bully smirked along with his other two friends behind him.

"So did you finish it?" He asked me.

"F-finish what?" Rubbing my sore hand, I looked up at him knowing full well of what he was talking about. He grabbed the collar of my shirt and pushed me back into the locker, looking straight in my eyes.

"You know what I'm talking about! Where's my homework that you were suppose to finish!?" He growls.

I gulp and reach down to my bag and pull out the work and shakily hand it to him. He snatches it and turns around. Thinking that he was leaving I sigh, but to soon I should say.

He swiftly turns around and punches me in the stomach. I grunt and fall to the floor in pain. I look up before he grabs my shirt again and repeatedly throws punches and kicks along with his friends doing the same.

For what seemed like hours, they finally stop and smirk down at me. Limp on the floor, covered in bruises and blood. Tears threatening to spill over. He bends down in front of me, face-to-face and whispers.

"You're so pathetic. Why don't you just kill yourself now and get it over with. You will never be as good as anyone, nor will you ever be as good as your own brother. He just better at everything unlike you, so you should just give up."

My eyes widen and I look at him..'My brother...' Why..Why does everyone always compare me to him? I am already fully aware that I am nothing like him, and that I never will. But why? And...

Why can I never fight back?

***********

All of the contain bullying and teasing by these people was enough to make me break me down into a full fit of sobs. It hurts so much, as there isn't anything I can do about it.

I can't fight back, and I can't tell an adult. Considering that they wont do shit and that would just make the bullying worse. I would most definitely be getting something much more worse than a few punches or kicks. And the name calling. I make it seem like I don't care about it...but that's not true..

'Fat'

'Pathetic'

'Stupid'

'Faggot'

'Crazy'

'Piece of shit'

'Loner'

'Weak'

Those tears that I have always keep back from years of torture finally let loose, spilling down my cheeks.

"What did I ever do to those people..? What did i ever do to deserve this?" I grip the knife tighter, and wipe the tears away but to no avail they keep falling. 'Why does this have to happen to me!'

Feeling all of my anger build up, I take the knife and place it to my wrist, slowly slit large cuts along my arms. From my wrists all the way up to my shoulder. Large amounts of blood oozing out of my wounds, and the pain being unbearable and burning.

'It wont last for long'

I look down and the bloodstained knife and start shaking bringing it up to my neck.

Gritting my teeth trying to keep myself from scream, I push the knife against my neck drawing some blood. Before I could go any further, I hear a knock on the bathroom door.

"Fratello are you still in there? Are you ok?"

Crap! It's Feliciano! And by the sound of his voice, he sounds very worried.

'Who cares...It's not like he would care anyway..'

I look down at the ground. 'Your right...Of course he wouldn't, same as everyone else..'

"Go away Feli, I'm alright..." I answer back.

"A-are you sure? You've been in there for a while now. Nonno and I are getting worried."

"...Yes, I am. Tell him I'm just fine."

"Ok, well if you need help or anything just ask." After a bit of silence on both ends of the door, I heard him turn around and leave. His footsteps disappearing.

Taking a deep sigh, I lean against the wall running a hand through my hair and give a weak smile.

"I'm so sorry Feli...But It looks like you can't help me this time." Bringing the knife to my neck again "Goodbye." I take my last few breaths before cutting my neck open. I drop the knife and fall on the floor with a loud 'THUMP' blood pooling around me.

My vision starting to get fuzzy. The last thing I hear was a few panicking voices along with the sound of the door breaking, before blacking out.

***********

It was dark and cold. So dark that not even a shimmer of light touched it, and without such light couldn't bring such warmth. Just a hollow and empty space. All alone with no one but myself.

'Alone again it seems..'

But it's no so bad, after all being alone is much better than being with others. At least to me it is. It means that no one can bother you, or hurt you in anyway. Loneliness is my sanctuary from the outside world. My own personal bubble that I can be in, for myself and not have to worry about anything.

But also that loneliness can bring me pain, just like everything else does. The word by itself makes my heart ache and crumple into a thousand pieces. Why does such a word exist?

I close my eyes and sigh, 'I don't have to worry about any of that anymore, so there no point in thinking about it.' Yep that's right, I finally was able to kill myself. Never having to face anyone that could hurt me, this is wonderful. Live was such a pain anyway, even if it wasn't just bullying.

I was one of those types of students who failed on every single test or quiz I took. Or if I ran into one of my tormentors early in the morning and was late.

Yep, that was my old life, but not anymore. I could get use to this..

"Lovino!"

Huh?

"F-fratello. P-please wake up!"

What the!?

"Come on Lovino, please!"

Those voices sound a lot like..Feli and nonno! But why? Why are there voices here? Maybe they are just memories or something of my old life. Yeah that's probably what it is! Before I could question any further, a beam of light flashed through the room.

"W-what the hell is that?" Hesitantly walking towards the light, the voices get louder and loud with every step I took. As I did so the light began the engulf me turning my surroundings pure white.

"Ah.." I groan, my head feeling like it was just hit with a large brick. Cracking open my eyes slightly, I take a look at my surroundings. A small sized room completely covered in white with a few chairs, a small night stand, two beds, and a heart monitor..

'Wait what..!?'

"Lovino you're awake!" Looking over at the voice that said my name, I saw a grinning Feli and my nonno rushing at me and hugging me tightly in a large embrace. I look at me, unable to move.

Wanting to say something, I open my mouth but all that came out was a muffled noise as well as a burning sensation in my throat causing me to go into a large fits of coughing.

Handing me a glass of water, Feli sits beside me on the bed giving me a sad smile.

Drinking the water, the burning in my throat finally disappears.

"The doctors say that you will be able to be released in couple days." Nonno says, looking at me.

Giving my a quick glance, I set the glass on the night stand and look at my hands not wanting to look him in the eyes.

"And Lovino..When we get home, I want you to tell me why you did this. Understand?"

I simply give him a nod, still not daring to look up.

"Good. You should get as much rest as you can so you can get better."

I give him another nod, and lay back down into the bed. A few minutes later nonno and Feli left, leaving me alone in the room to slowly start falling asleep to the sound of the heart monitor.